When my son was born in 2017, I decided to focus on being a stay-at- dad (SAHD).
Every early childhood development book I read emphasized that the first five years are the most critical for a child’s growth. So I figured, why not spend that time with him.
It wasn’t a difficult decision since I hadn’t had a day job since 2012. The only things I risked sacrificing were my writing, patience, ego, happiness, and sanity.
I believe being a stay-at- parent for the first three years is one of the hardest jobs in the world—far tougher than working 60-hour weeks in banking.
So I’m confident it’s harder than most other jobs too. At the same time, it’s also the most rewarding work I’ve ever done. But that chapter is now over.
Also, for full disclosure, my wife is also a stay-at- parent who does even more childcare. So relatively speaking, I got it easier than solo stay at dads.
For men considering becoming stay-at- dads during their child’s early years, I want to some perspective before you take the leap.
This applies equally to women thinking leaving the workforce to be stay-at- moms, but with a male twist.
This article is also my declaration that after eight years and two months, I no longer consider myself a stay-at- dad. The reason is obvious in the end.
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Some Important Truths Being a Stay-at- Dad (SAHD) Here are the most important things to watch out for if you want to become a SAHD. If you can accept these truths, your time as a SAHD will be better.
1) You’ll Be Part of a Small Minority If you’re not used to being a minority, you may have a difficult time fitting in as a SAHD.
In my eight years here in San Francisco as a SAHD, I estimate only 5% of dads I meet are the primary caregivers. The same is true in other big cities New York.
Here’s my rough breakdown of childcare viders I've observed from going to playgrounds, parks, museums, activities, and schools: 60-70% — Nannies (100% women). 10-20% — Au pairs (100% women).
10-20% — Moms 3% – 7% — Dads SAHDs Must Learn to Adapt to Awkward Situations As a minority, you’ll need to blend in and sometimes navigate cultural or gender-specific topics and conversations.
One time, I was with my wife and a group of eight moms in Golden Gate Park. We were going for a nice stroll when the group decided to take a break underneath the shade of a nice big tree.
We rolled out our blankets and cradled our babies, when suddenly, breasting started. I felt awkward even if the moms did not, so I left to give the moms privacy, leaving my daughter with my wife.
Since then, I stopped joining mothers’ walking groups and usually walked alone or with my wife.
Being a minority can sometimes mean having fewer social connections, as it may be harder to assimilate or be fully included.
You might find yourself intentionally or unintentionally left out of group activities organized by the majority.
It’s important to get used to moments of isolation—and to recognize that building meaningful friendships may require extra effort.
Another time, a nanny’s toddler was crying uncontrollably for 10 minutes while she chatted with other nannies.
I offered to help play with the toddler while parkour class was going on, but she gave me a cold glare and said, “No, I don’t need your help,” before scolding the child.
That was the last time I offered to help a stranger’s child out of fear of backlash.
2) Other Men and Women May Not Give You the Respect You Seek In our -conscious world, being a stay-at- dad is still an anomaly.
Unless you’ve built a company or already reached the pinnacle of success in your field, few people—both men and women—will give you much respect.
They might be polite to your face, but that doesn’t mean they’ll invite you into their social circles. Among working men, there’s often a lingering belief that men should be the primary breadwinners.
As a result, they may view your role with confusion, skepticism, or quiet judgment. Mothers may appear more welcoming, but in reality, they often form tight-knit groups with other mothers.
Even if your wife works full-time and you handle all the household chores, pickups, drop-offs, and scheduling, you may still be seen as an outsider.
Perhaps the hardest part, though, is dealing with your own sense of embarrassment. Any lingering insecurity your role can show up in how you speak and carry yourself to the outside world.
Even if raising your child is the most meaningful job you’ve ever had, it can be hard to fully embrace your identity as a stay-at- dad.
The solution to this insecurity is to have a ject of your own—something you're actively building or working toward.
It doesn’t have to generate income; it can be what I call a “trust fund job,” where the focus is on activity, not fit.
The key is to maintain a sense of personal identity beyond fatherhood, so you don’t feel your entire worth is tied to being a parent.
3) You Will Be Taken for Granted, No Matter How Hard You Try Marriage plus parenthood is hard. There's a reason parental happiness often dips during the early years of raising children.
Less sleep, little personal time, and constant exhaustion can take a toll, making it much easier to argue with your spouse.
You may find yourself longing for appreciation just as you're running on empty. As a stay-at- dad—while the vast majority of fathers work outside the —you’ll do far more of the childcare in comparison.
You might take pride in always being there for your kids and feel you deserve recognition for it. But here's the truth: nobody else cares as much as you do—because they’re your kids, not theirs.
That’s why fatherhood must be intrinsically motivated. If you’re constantly looking for external validation, you’ll be disappointed.
No matter how much you contribute there will be times you feel underappreciated. Your spouse may take you for granted, and it’ll hurt. But this is a common dynamic in long-term relationships.
It is inevitable to take for granted what someone does for us day in and day out. The key is to acknowledge it, communicate it, and try to reduce how often those feelings arise.
Maybe your wife had a brutal day—her boss embarrassed her in front of colleagues, she lost a major client, or a duct she poured months into flopped.
After a 12-hour day and a draining commute, she may not have much emotional bandwidth left to recognize everything you’ve done at .
Try to acknowledge her situation and step up to do more when she's running on empty. Marriages are never 50/50. Be the parent who steps up when the other is struggling.
At the same time, you might also take her hard work for granted. After the 20th 6:30 a. Client call, the 21st doesn’t seem a big deal.
But maybe all she wants is one morning to sleep in without pressure or performance looming.
When these feelings creep in, pause and reframe: realize how fortunate you are to have a spouse whose work allows you to stay and raise your children.
Odds are, they’d love to trade places sometimes—to spend more time with the kids and less time grinding at work.
Unless you’re DUPs, someone has to earn the income and keep the family’s healthcare covered. Appreciation can fade in the daily grind.
So remind each other, often, of the sacrifices you’re both making—for your children, and for each other. Regularly go through the things you are grateful for.
4) Losing Money And Falling Behind In Your Career Will Sting The biggest dilemma is whether to sacrifice career for children or children for career.
Ironically, you either have to be wealthy enough to stay or poor enough that working and paying for childcare isn’t worth it. Those in the middle face the toughest choice.
I’ve given up millions of dollars in income to be a stay-at- father. This includes lost earnings from my finance career as well as from growing Financial Samurai.
Since my son was born in 2017, I’ve deliberately chosen not to work full-time on the site.
Had I committed 40–50 hours a week, I’m confident I could have significantly scaled Financial Samurai, increased ad revenue, and developed more ducts to sell.
But instead, I chose to maintain a 15–20 hour workweek—hours that occur mostly before the kids are up or after they are asleep—so I could spend as much time with him as possible.
As a result, it took several years longer to buy the ideal house to raise a family. Further, I've had to delay reaching financial independence once more.
All Or Nothing Is Not Ideal As someone who helped kickstart the modern FIRE movement in 2009, I waited to have children until I could care for them full-time.
I didn’t want to sacrifice my career for family in my 20s and early 30s. I worked hard to build enough wealth and retired at 34. But this all-or-nothing apach risks delaying parenthood too long.
Biological challenges increase with age, and if you have kids later, you have less time with them.
Losing parents before a child turns 25 happens often, especially since people are having children later and life is unpredictable.
Since you’ll love your children above all else, it makes sense to want as much time together as possible.
Luckily for older parents, there’s a simple, logical solution to make up for lost time: understand how much time the average working parent spends with their child each day, and then spend more time with your child until you catch up or even exceed that total by the time they turn 18.
Because, as we sadly know, once our children reach 18, 80-90% of all the time we will ever spend with them is already behind us.
Choosing Time With Your Kids Over Money and Meetings Because I gave up money and meetings before having kids, I certainly won't seek more money and meetings now that I have kids.
If it takes three more years to hit a new passive income target without a steady job, so be it. I’m not willing to miss out on my time with them for any amount of potential income.
Let’s break it down: If I earn $250,000 a year but pay $50,000 for a nanny, my income is $200,000, but really less due to taxes.
Imagine sitting in 3 hours of meetings every day for 261 workdays — that’s 783 hours annually.
I know this because I consulted part-time for four months and felt bad even missing out on one activity with my daughter.
Now let's jack up that income to $3 million a year at a hot AI company after paying for a nanny, but before taxes.
Since I'm a big wig now, I'm in meetings for 5 hours every day for 261 workdays – that's 1,305 hours annually. Forget that. You can always make more money, but you can never get back lost time.
So choosing your children over more money and career gression is logical.
Some Great Benefits of Being a Stay-at- Dad (SAHD) We’ve covered the hard truths—feelings of isolation, less respect from other parents, a smaller paycheck, possibly a stalled career, and getting taken for granted.
But luckily, there are also some powerful upsides to being a stay-at- dad. Let’s dive in.
1) Your Wife Or Spouse Can Never Call You a Deadbeat Dad If you’ve been with your wife and child since birth—attending doctor visits, washing bottles, handling meals, and taking the baby out so your wife can rest—it’s impossible for her to say you weren’t there.
You’ve earned your stripes. When your wife feels more supported and rested, the entire family benefits. She’s less exhausted and more emotionally present.
And if you have multiple kids, your ability to manage one or more of them for ext stretches becomes even more valuable.
As time goes on and you build up “credits” from the time and effort you’ve put in, you’ll also feel less guilty asking for personal time—whether it’s a night out with friends or a weekend golf trip.
2) You’ll ly Develop a Closer Relationship With Your Kids A common fear is that even with more time spent together, you might still end up with a strained relationship with your children.
Genetics, personality clashes, and differing interests can all play a role.
But in my experience—and after speaking to hundreds of dads—there’s a strong correlation between time spent and relationship strength.
Kids may not remember anything from ages 0–3, but they feel your presence. And after age three, their memories become er and deeper.
That’s when your investment of time starts to pay off in tangible ways. You can reinforce those early years with photos and s, reminding them of how involved you’ve been since day one.
That emotional foundation can carry into their own parenting values later on.
3) You’ll Catch Developmental Issues Sooner Working long hours or traveling frequently often means relying entirely on teachers and caregivers to monitor your child’s development.
That’s fine—if those teachers are excellent. But not every classroom is led by a superstar, and not every nanny or au pair puts her phone away while engaging with your child.
I once met the father of a second grader who was shocked to learn his daughter didn’t know how to read.
I couldn’t help but wonder—how is that a surprise if you’ve been reading to her regularly over the past seven years. Unless, of course, he hadn’t been.
That’s the kind of thing a stay-at- parent would ly have noticed much earlier.
Being a stay-at- dad gives you the opportunity to catch developmental gaps early—before they grow into bigger, costlier blems down the road.
4) You’ll Have More Energy and Enthusiasm to Engage After a long workday, it’s natural to want to decompress: crack a beer, eat dinner, and zone out.
During the thick of my Millionaire Milestones mo cycle, I often felt drained when picking up my kids because I had given multiple interviews and done multiple consulting sessions.
It made me less motivated to coach them tennis or play imaginative games at . But as a stay-at- dad, especially when the kids are in school, your energy levels are higher.
You can regularly take afternoon naps to be ready for their hurricane of energy and emotion when you pick them up.
That extra enthusiasm can lead to more engaged parenting, whether it’s reading stories, building Lego sets, or practicing new skills.
5) The Days Are Long, But You'll Be Able To Slow Down The Years Though days can feel endless, the months and years pass quickly.
But if you're a stay-at- dad, you can somewhat slowdown the years in retrospect because you won't feel as bad missing so many precious milestones. If you can, give being a stay-at- par.