Mommies, Nannies, Au Pairs, and Me: The End Of Being A SAHD

Every early childhood development book I read emphasized that the first five years are the most critical for a child’s growth

So I figured, why not spend that time with him

The only things I risked sacrificing were my writing, patience, ego, happiness, and sanity

I believe being a stay-at- parent for the first three years is one of the hardest jobs in the world—far tougher than working 60-hour weeks in banking

So I’m confident it’s harder than most other jobs too

At the same time, it’s also the most rewarding work I’ve ever done

But that chapter is now over

Also, for full disclosure, my wife is also a stay-at- parent who does even more childcare

So relatively speaking, I got it easier than solo stay at dads

For men considering becoming stay-at- dads during their child’s early years, I want to some perspective before you take the leap

This applies equally to women thinking leaving the workforce to be stay-at- moms, but with a male twist

This article is also my declaration that after eight years and two months, I no longer consider myself a stay-at- dad

The reason is obvious in the end

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The monthly premiums I pay are well worth it for the peace of mind alone

Some Important Truths Being a Stay-at- Dad (SAHD) Here are the most important things to watch out for if you want to become a SAHD

If you can accept these truths, your time as a SAHD will be better. 1) You’ll Be Part of a Small Minority If you’re not used to being a minority, you may have a difficult time fitting in as a SAHD

The same is true in other big cities New York

One time, I was with my wife and a group of eight moms in Golden Gate Park

We were going for a nice stroll when the group decided to take a break underneath the shade of a nice big tree

We rolled out our blankets and cradled our babies, when suddenly, breasting started

I felt awkward even if the moms did not, so I left to give the moms privacy, leaving my daughter with my wife

Since then, I stopped joining mothers’ walking groups and usually walked alone or with my wife

Being a minority can sometimes mean having fewer social connections, as it may be harder to assimilate or be fully included

You might find yourself intentionally or unintentionally left out of group activities organized by the majority

It’s important to get used to moments of isolation—and to recognize that building meaningful friendships may require extra effort

Another time, a nanny’s toddler was crying uncontrollably for 10 minutes while she chatted with other nannies

I offered to help play with the toddler while parkour class was going on, but she gave me a cold glare and said, “No, I don’t need your help,” before scolding the child

That was the last time I offered to help a stranger’s child out of fear of backlash. 2) Other Men and Women May Not Give You the Respect You Seek In our -conscious world, being a stay-at- dad is still an anomaly

Unless you’ve built a company or already reached the pinnacle of success in your field, few people—both men and women—will give you much respect

They might be polite to your face, but that doesn’t mean they’ll invite you into their social circles

Among working men, there’s often a lingering belief that men should be the primary breadwinners

As a result, they may view your role with confusion, skepticism, or quiet judgment

Mothers may appear more welcoming, but in reality, they often form tight-knit groups with other mothers

Even if your wife works full-time and you handle all the household chores, pickups, drop-offs, and scheduling, you may still be seen as an outsider

Perhaps the hardest part, though, is dealing with your own sense of embarrassment

Any lingering insecurity your role can show up in how you speak and carry yourself to the outside world

Even if raising your child is the most meaningful job you’ve ever had, it can be hard to fully embrace your identity as a stay-at- dad

The solution to this insecurity is to have a ject of your own—something you're actively building or working toward

It doesn’t have to generate income; it can be what I call a “trust fund job,” where the focus is on activity, not fit

The key is to maintain a sense of personal identity beyond fatherhood, so you don’t feel your entire worth is tied to being a parent. 3) You Will Be Taken for Granted, No Matter How Hard You Try Marriage plus parenthood is hard

There's a reason parental happiness often dips during the early years of raising children

Less sleep, little personal time, and constant exhaustion can take a toll, making it much easier to argue with your spouse

You may find yourself longing for appreciation just as you're running on empty

As a stay-at- dad—while the vast majority of fathers work outside the —you’ll do far more of the childcare in comparison

You might take pride in always being there for your kids and feel you deserve recognition for it

But here's the truth: nobody else cares as much as you do—because they’re your kids, not theirs

That’s why fatherhood must be intrinsically motivated

If you’re constantly looking for external validation, you’ll be disappointed

No matter how much you contribute there will be times you feel underappreciated

Your spouse may take you for granted, and it’ll hurt

But this is a common dynamic in long-term relationships

It is inevitable to take for granted what someone does for us day in and day out

The key is to acknowledge it, communicate it, and try to reduce how often those feelings arise

Maybe your wife had a brutal day—her boss embarrassed her in front of colleagues, she lost a major client, or a duct she poured months into flopped

After a 12-hour day and a draining commute, she may not have much emotional bandwidth left to recognize everything you’ve done at

Try to acknowledge her situation and step up to do more when she's running on empty

Marriages are never 50/50

Be the parent who steps up when the other is struggling

At the same time, you might also take her hard work for granted

After the 20th 6:30 a

Client call, the 21st doesn’t seem a big deal

But maybe all she wants is one morning to sleep in without pressure or performance looming

When these feelings creep in, pause and reframe: realize how fortunate you are to have a spouse whose work allows you to stay and raise your children

Odds are, they’d love to trade places sometimes—to spend more time with the kids and less time grinding at work

Unless you’re DUPs, someone has to earn the income and keep the family’s healthcare covered

Appreciation can fade in the daily grind

So remind each other, often, of the sacrifices you’re both making—for your children, and for each other

Regularly go through the things you are grateful for. 4) Losing Money And Falling Behind In Your Career Will Sting The biggest dilemma is whether to sacrifice career for children or children for career

Ironically, you either have to be wealthy enough to stay or poor enough that working and paying for childcare isn’t worth it

Those in the middle face the toughest choice

This includes lost earnings from my finance career as well as from growing Financial Samurai

Had I committed 40–50 hours a week, I’m confident I could have significantly scaled Financial Samurai, increased ad revenue, and developed more ducts to sell

But instead, I chose to maintain a 15–20 hour workweek—hours that occur mostly before the kids are up or after they are asleep—so I could spend as much time with him as possible

As a result, it took several years longer to buy the ideal house to raise a family

Further, I've had to delay reaching financial independence once more

I didn’t want to sacrifice my career for family in my 20s and early 30s

I worked hard to build enough wealth and retired at 34

But this all-or-nothing apach risks delaying parenthood too long

Biological challenges increase with age, and if you have kids later, you have less time with them

Losing parents before a child turns 25 happens often, especially since people are having children later and life is unpredictable

Since you’ll love your children above all else, it makes sense to want as much time together as possible

Luckily for older parents, there’s a simple, logical solution to make up for lost time: understand how much time the average working parent spends with their child each day, and then spend more time with your child until you catch up or even exceed that total by the time they turn 18

Choosing Time With Your Kids Over Money and Meetings Because I gave up money and meetings before having kids, I certainly won't seek more money and meetings now that I have kids

If it takes three more years to hit a new passive income target without a steady job, so be it

I’m not willing to miss out on my time with them for any amount of potential income

I know this because I consulted part-time for four months and felt bad even missing out on one activity with my daughter

You can always make more money, but you can never get back lost time

So choosing your children over more money and career gression is logical

Some Great Benefits of Being a Stay-at- Dad (SAHD) We’ve covered the hard truths—feelings of isolation, less respect from other parents, a smaller paycheck, possibly a stalled career, and getting taken for granted

But luckily, there are also some powerful upsides to being a stay-at- dad

Let’s dive in. 1) Your Wife Or Spouse Can Never Call You a Deadbeat Dad If you’ve been with your wife and child since birth—attending doctor visits, washing bottles, handling meals, and taking the baby out so your wife can rest—it’s impossible for her to say you weren’t there

You’ve earned your stripes

When your wife feels more supported and rested, the entire family benefits

She’s less exhausted and more emotionally present

And if you have multiple kids, your ability to manage one or more of them for ext stretches becomes even more valuable

As time goes on and you build up “credits” from the time and effort you’ve put in, you’ll also feel less guilty asking for personal time—whether it’s a night out with friends or a weekend golf trip. 2) You’ll ly Develop a Closer Relationship With Your Kids A common fear is that even with more time spent together, you might still end up with a strained relationship with your children

Genetics, personality clashes, and differing interests can all play a role

But in my experience—and after speaking to hundreds of dads—there’s a strong correlation between time spent and relationship strength

Kids may not remember anything from ages 0–3, but they feel your presence

And after age three, their memories become er and deeper

That’s when your investment of time starts to pay off in tangible ways

You can reinforce those early years with photos and s, reminding them of how involved you’ve been since day one

That emotional foundation can carry into their own parenting values later on. 3) You’ll Catch Developmental Issues Sooner Working long hours or traveling frequently often means relying entirely on teachers and caregivers to monitor your child’s development

That’s fine—if those teachers are excellent

But not every classroom is led by a superstar, and not every nanny or au pair puts her phone away while engaging with your child

I once met the father of a second grader who was shocked to learn his daughter didn’t know how to read

I couldn’t help but wonder—how is that a surprise if you’ve been reading to her regularly over the past seven years

Unless, of course, he hadn’t been

That’s the kind of thing a stay-at- parent would ly have noticed much earlier

Being a stay-at- dad gives you the opportunity to catch developmental gaps early—before they grow into bigger, costlier blems down the road. 4) You’ll Have More Energy and Enthusiasm to Engage After a long workday, it’s natural to want to decompress: crack a beer, eat dinner, and zone out

During the thick of my Millionaire Milestones mo cycle, I often felt drained when picking up my kids because I had given multiple interviews and done multiple consulting sessions

It made me less motivated to coach them tennis or play imaginative games at

But as a stay-at- dad, especially when the kids are in school, your energy levels are higher

You can regularly take afternoon naps to be ready for their hurricane of energy and emotion when you pick them up

That extra enthusiasm can lead to more engaged parenting, whether it’s reading stories, building Lego sets, or practicing new skills. 5) The Days Are Long, But You'll Be Able To Slow Down The Years Though days can feel endless, the months and years pass quickly

But if you're a stay-at- dad, you can somewhat slowdown the years in retrospect because you won't feel as bad missing so many precious milestones

If you can, give being a stay-at- par.